Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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