He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
