Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
