I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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