i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
