can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
50% drunk capacity currently
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize