I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
