dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
