it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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