Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Found your dick twin last night
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
