Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
