Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize