So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
