Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
