I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
