Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
