I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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