I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
