i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
