dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
