No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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