just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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