i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
