seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
