i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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