Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
