dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
