She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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