Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
