Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
