i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
