There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
