But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
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