How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
