Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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