Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
