i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
