The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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