he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize