Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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