Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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