I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
