I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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