Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
