At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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