things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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