So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
