Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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