And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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