I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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