For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
