i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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