She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
