Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
