i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize