i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
