i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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