Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
