This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
it's like iHOP with fire
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
