Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
