if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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