I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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