Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
