you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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